A Blog for My Daughter

Words from a Mother

So I really thought I was doing better with my fear of Kahlan not breathing. And then last night happened. 

She was napping yesterday and woke at about 8:30pm. Late night napping has never hindered her sleep before so I wasn’t worried. About 9:15 we went upstairs to get ready for bed, do our exercises, eat and then crib. Well while getting ready she started crying so I decided to skip the exercises and go strait to food. Well then she got really fussy and I was trying to calm her down to get her to latch. So I held her tight and sushed in her ear and she stilled. So much that she passed out and I couldn’t get her to wake up to feed. That has never happened before, so I was a bit thrown off but assumed she would wake at 3am hungry. No worries. 
So I shower and grab a water and snack. And then head back upstairs about 11ish. I check on her as usual.  
First I open the door quickly so it creaks, sometimes getting a stir. Nothing. 
So I walk in and put my hand on her chest and calm myself for a few seconds to feel her breaths as they’re small. Nothing. 
I whisper her name. Nothing. 
So I shake her. This usually makes her cry and then pass back out. This time nothing. 
So I start to freak and call her name at normal volume. Nothing. 
I pick her up and start shaking her, hitting her back and saying her name louder. Nothing
So I put my mouth over her mouth and nose and breath. The third time makes her move a bit and then she settles again. 
More shaking and name calling. Nothing. 
So I breath into her again and the second time she starts to whimper. 
I call brian and unswaddle her and by the time he answers she is crying. Not as loud as usual but enough for me to know she’s ok. 
So now I am of course shaking and sobbing. I don’t know if what happened was her really not breathing or me catching her in a deep sleep and overreacting. I go to wrap her back up and she is out before I’m done. So I hold her and decide to put her on the bed with me. 
And after talking with Katie,my mom, and brian I decide to stay up with her and watch. I was able to get her to feed at about 1:30. Her color was fine, her temperature was fine (in the moment it was dark so I couldnt tell her color. And she felt cool, not cold) and when I pinched her fingertip it went white and then back to red instantly when released. 
So I laid with her until she woke agin at 5:30, when I fed her and moved her to her crib. There she slept till 8:30 when she woke for the day as her normal “I’m way to giggly for the morning” self. 
So now I’m dealing with trying to figure out if it was real or just me being crazy. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep again. It was so scary and real and intense. But I could have just checked on her in a deep cycle and it was just that hard to wake her. I mean she is Brian’s daughter. 
I don’t even know what to think. But i did find a woman selling her movement monitors on a trade group I’m in. So I’m going to get one from her this afternoon. Maybe that will give me peace of mind?  I really hope so. And I pray it was just me overreacting and getting her at the wrong time. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself if it was real and I didn’t do anything to protect her from it again in the future.  Omg this sucks. I hate this so much.