I haven’t written in a while because I don’t know what to write. Normally there would be posts about things we’ve done so far this summer. But we can’t do anything. Between money and COVID we’re stuck at home.

There would be posts about your very first dance recital. But that was cancelled. Now they’re going to film it and send out a DVD.

There would be posts about things you did with your grandma Marlene. Or times you went camping with grandma Rose & grandma Ginny. But between health issues and COVID that’s not happening. You haven’t seen your two grandmas in two months, when you waved at them out our window.

There would be posts of us doing things as a family. Like Cedar Point or camping. But with your dads work and money and COVID. That’s not happening either.

There would be posts of us at the pool. Or the river. Or the park. Or the zoo. Or the children’s museum. Or anywhere but home. But I either can’t take you because it’s closed or it’s too hard to take you because of regulations. (Wearing a mask in 90 degrees to feed the giraffes is just going to end in a fight.) I’m also scared to take you places. I don’t know who’s safe and who’s not. And that scares me.

There would be posts about getting ready for school. Which is really what triggered this post. I don’t know what to do. Do we send you to school or keep you home? If you go to school not only could you get sick, you could pass it to us. You won’t get to enjoy your friends in class as you will be forced to sit in your seats. You won’t get to have lunch with a friend because you will be assigned a seat in the lunchroom. You won’t get to play outside with friends because they will remind you to play independently. There will be no assemblies, field trips, birthday or class parties. It will be strictly school and not the fun atmosphere I want you to be in as your first introduction to it. I fear you’ll hate school.

If we keep you home and do online school then I become your teacher. And we butt heads so much when it comes to school. Preschool was hard enough, I can’t imagine kindergarten. There will be no friends for lunch or recess because they will all be in school or at home staying safe. I fear you will lose your abilities because I will fail as a teacher. You are SO smart. So amazing and bright and I just don’t want you to fall behind and I fear you will. I am not a teacher. I don’t know how to challenge you or your thinking. I don’t know what you need to keep excelling. You will suffer.

I hate that you don’t get a normal school experience like every kid before you. You will never get this time back. We will never get this time back. It is being taken from us and there is nothing I can do. I can’t fix this for you. I hate that this is happening and it is breaking my heart. More than even I think I realized. I’m sitting in bed at 3:30am writing this because I can’t stop thinking about how this time is being cheated somehow. That you are being cheated. And I am sorry for that. I am so sorry.

I hope when you’re older if you are reading this you know now how hard of a decision your schooling has become. How hard this time is on all of us. But more importantly I hope you come out of it happy and healthy and smart and beautiful and everything I hope for you to be. And I pray this all ends soon.

I love you all in my heart.