A Blog for My Daughter

Words from a Mother

Today when we picked you up from school I cried a little in the car. You were completely dry. It just hit me and a few tears came out. The medicine is working.

Over the past couple days I have seen your urgency decline and your accidents minimized. And today you made it not only through school, but through the entire rest of the day without an accident. Well just before bed your underwear was wet, but I call today a total success. And as promised tomorrow you will receive your Barbie Ambulance which I promised to you if you could go one full day without an accident.

All that being said…..I’m so sorry. We held out on the medication because of side effects and hoping it would fix itself without meds. But it was time to finally try it and although I’m sorry we waited I still stand by it. I still hate the idea of you having medication in your little body twice a day. But it’s working and so I’m coming to terms with that. So I’m only slightly sorry we waited a bit.

What I’m truly sorry for is for my yelling. For my moments of weakness and frustration and taking it out on you. The hurtful things I said. The anger I put on you. The times I smacked the wall. The times I pull your pants off too hard. The times I scared you. My PPD and PPA got wrapped up in everything and I feel I took it out on you. And I will NEVER forgive myself for it. Never. My heart breaks at the thought of it. And I have gotten better. But it took years and even still I have my moments. And for all of that and more I am so so so very sorry.

I hope there is no damage I’ve caused on you. I hope our connection is not broken some because of it. I hope that this is a new beginning where my trigger is lessened and so my anger and yelling will cease. maybe I’m leaning too much into this medication but I truly hope for you this is a fix. That you will grow out of this over time and that this medication can be removed. That your body will grow into itself and you can feel like a normal little girl.

For now I look forward to seeing your confidence grow as the accidents stop. I look forward to not having to worry or be embarrassed. For you and for me. I just want you to be happy and proud of yourself. I want you to love yourself and your body. I just hope a lot for this.

Today was just one day and who knows what tomorrow will bring but I see the light at the end of the tunnel for once. And that gives me reason to be happy and to press forward. I love you with every fiber of my being.