A Blog for My Daughter

Words from a Mother

My fear of Kahlan not breathing is really starting to get to me. I don’t know why I have this fear but sometimes it just scares me so much. 

Like just now, she had an off night because her schedule was thrown (never again….ugh).  She didn’t fall asleep till 11:30, woke up at 5am, passed back out and then finally got up about 8:45am.  She ate and then slept again for about an hour. Woke up, ate and passed out again about 11:30. She doesn’t sleep this much usually in the morning. Especially because she is STILL ASLEEP and it’s 1:35pm!!!  So I attribute it to last night, but it makes me nervous at the same time because she really doesn’t sleep this much in the mornings!
Anyways, I’m just chillin on the couch reading and playing on facebook and I look over at her and I swear she’s not breathing and her tongue is hanging out. So I stand over her and put my hand on her chest. I swear I feel nothing. I say her name out loud. Nothing. I shake her and she moves. She’s ok, and now I’m shaking horribly. 
I have this huge, horrible fear that she will stop breathing and I will have done nothing. I continuously think about that when she’s sleeping. (I think that’s why I can’t “sleep when she sleeps”.). Like just now, I would have been sitting right next to her as she stopped breathing and I didn’t help. 
And I had a dream about it last night!!  I was at a restaurant with Kahlan waiting for brian, who’s on the phone with me. And the next thing I know the EMS show up and start working on this other woman’s baby that stopped breathing. They can’t get the baby to breathe. All I can do is just cry and say “they can’t get the baby to breathe”.  
Why and where did this fear come from? I think it’s the whole SIDS thing, but we do everything we can on their “list”.  (Being around people who smoke is the only thing we can’t avoid, but its not often.)  So why do I have this crap running through my head all the time?  It truly scares the shit out of me and I really need to learn to calm down about it. I’m going to give myself an anxiety disorder or something.  Ok, not really….but I just hate that feeling I have. 
Oh and it’s now 1:50pm and she’s STILL ASLEEP!!  Lol